Tomorrow...
And now I have.
- posted by Altered @ 10:16 PM

 
But what do I hope to win?
I'm afraid it may boil down to pride at which point I'd have to back down--what of my character?

'How does one defend oneself?'

Or 'Do I even bother?'

Supposing I HAVE 'bothered.' Am I a man of character? Why have I chosen THIS battle? What makes me think my character is at stake?

I overheard the Mgr talking about me, she confirmed. What I had overheard was in reference to my letter. The district Mgr had not mentioned anything to me regarding my letter. Anything. She was in the store that day. It wasn't the district manager with whom she was speaking. She made reference that what had happened was because I didn't understand procedure. That I should have come to her, the store Mgr.

This is the point where I thought. And I thought. I thought I could go far in this company. I really did. I actually have the passion. I appreciate the history, the world history, involved in the meager job I DO. But here I feel a little foolish. As if I simply jumped the gun, 'Oops! Huh, there goes Matt!' That's not me. I take my blows when they come to me. I was subjected to 'punishment' when I moved. I can't blame them. They can't hold it against me, I was honest. I am honest and want to remain so. Though, lying, it seems, could get me what I want, I don't think it's worth lying--it's my integrity.

To hear what I said being passed--period--this is where my problem is forced to stop. I cannot take this up with Mgr, this must come up with district Mgr. I don't know what came of my letter, other than I feel I was disciplined by Mgr for having written it (That I should have gone to Mgr) and that now Mgr tells someone I jumped the gun.

It is worth me standing up for. I am intent on this.

I have chosen this battle.

Those, then, are three questions I need answer for myself.
- posted by Altered @ 12:31 AM

 
Another Day
And, yes, that's a reference to Buffalo Springfield.

I was called into the back at work. Manager wanted a five minute meeting and that's fine, I've been wanting to talk with her. We go over the quick stuff: how I'm doing, and each teeny lil' point under each section of GUEST (that's 'greet' 'understand' 'engage' 'something' and 'thank') Under each letter of GUEST I'm given a red (stop) green (all's clear) or yellow (HOT DAMN!) dot for my performance. I get greens and a gold. Formalities out of the way. She reads notes she's written in her book to see where she is. Pencil pencil PEN pencil. The pen writing was as follows 'LETTER TO JODI'

Jodi is our district manager. I'd written a letter a week before. It was sent 'confidential' because it was going out with 'internal' mail so I could 'save' thirty-some-cents and Jodi get it 'quicker' I say 'confidential' because a few people read it (gave me props but that's not the point) even though I intended they wouldn't; I say 'internal' because it really did get sent USPS, though not on my dime; 'save' simply implies that I've yet managed to save money and 'quicker' merely implies that, had I NOT made these choices this would have been over far more quickly--In retrospect I should have not worried so much about who read it, slapped a 30-some-odd cent stamp and mailed it. Ah, the passing of time.

Jodi had told her I'd written a letter but only in passing, she'd not explained the letter nor its contents but that I'd written it. I had copies of the letter in my locker. Two of them--one for me and one for Callie (thass my mgr!) I asked if she'd like to see it and went to my locker. She read it.

A few days before I came to work and the drains were already backed up. They had at least once before I'd been there, the one to which we refer presently would be the second. There would be as many as a fifth by the time we left. The entire building was having problems like this--one of the bathrooms was closed for just this reason, as well as at least one other 'restaurant' down the way. I didn't like wading through sewage. I asked her 'at what point do we consider closing the store' and she passed over the question without answering, acknowledging my question only with a pause. I asked again and again she ignored me.

She remembers this

This was before four o'clock, I believe in was closer to three. At ten to seven (that's ten minutes before we close) she gets a call from Jodi and I mention something in the back room. She relays it to Jodi and we're told to close immediately. I'd been in sewage all day. It was icky and the staff (my staff.) is very unhappy. We're not granted any sort of bonus for this other than to be told to mop it up. Not me, I'll be counting money, but the new guy! I was very confused at this situation because I know this an awful, aweful violation of health codes: we'd been serving people drinks with leaking filth on the floor behind the counter all day. It wasn't until it reached the customers that she cared. And even then--only because she received a call.

I wrote the letter. It was detailed. I meant every word, right down to saying I respect her as my manager. This is about respect and caring for her employees. I didn't include that.

Callie said she feels as if there's been a breakdown in communication between the two of us. I reminded her I'd mentioned that day, twice, that we ought consider to close. She said again that we just don't get the chance to talk. She decides her days off Sunday, Monday. Regularly. This is more than most have, though mine (I'm lucky enough to say) are Tuesday, Wednesday. Usually. I don't see her very often and even then, the day after this fiasco she'd off. Then I. This cannot wait. I hate repeating myself like this--I told her I didn't go over her head, that I mentioned it her, twice, and then told Callie's boss. I also mentioned I was working in Sewage ALL afternoon (I mean that just like this: I work noon to eight, noon begins the 'after' and, with sunset, it ends) She retorted we used to have a repoir and I thought it, 'You promoted me. That makes the staff my responsibility. We, but mostly THEY were working in sewage.

Though, she reminded me, there are no bathrooms inside the store. No, I said, but there were VERY similar problems in rooms of that nature. And once it goes down the drain ... legally, sewage is sewage. She was a little flustered, I could tell because her skin is usually a 'bay area' porcelain-pale and now was a little splotchy. I reminded her that I do respect her as my manager and that it was in the letter. I had the upper end in the conversation.

And we're done now, I asked if she wanted to keep the letter and she handed it back, smiling. She'd sure told me!

I suppose that's more of the problem. I was right and I still don't want to stand for it. These people all work there asses off and are LOSING rights, well not rights, they had a few years ago--I will not, ever, working here, earn sick leave. Not even a week's paid vacation in a year. If I could get time off (I am very easily replaceable, you see and things change very quickly from week to week.) People hired after me are earning less. I won't have to pay more for insurance, but they will than I.

Why, yes, I have spoken with a union rep. But the rest of the store isn't interested. I don't blame them. I just want things fair. Would it even be a decent change? These are questions best not answered by someone of only 25 so I pass them to others for now hopefully that I might study and understand.

Well then, that's another notch in the anti-establishment belt and another grain of sand the plebes can carry on there back as the trophy.

When do things improve?
- posted by Altered @ 8:42 PM

 
Coming home from here...
A friend, who recomended a book to me which was due out in paperback a month after he quit the jobfrom which I'd known him, stopped in today. I bought the book and read it walking to work months ago. I've been waiting to run into him. I run into people. Or they into me. Inspiring. 'On Intelligence' is the title though the point is just this: I finally thanked him and expressed it properly with a drink and a few thoughts on the topic he brought up. He returned in kind and I thanked him and the night with a quiet kind of smile that helps carry your head up high on a bitter-cold night. It is cold yet warm, still, for January and the night seems to be drying.

Do I hope or I know I'll keep running into people; the world is far, far too small; I've to keep better track of what I want to tell pieces of the past when we run into eachother and pray those I tend not to understand complexity and circumstance.
- posted by Altered @ 11:22 PM

 
The cows are not what they seem.
- posted by Altered @ 12:11 PM

 
Import/Exportant
To have creative inspriation ripped from my gnawing jaw by an employer who has opted not to make it worth my while to walk my way down (which is actually what makes it worth my while) is nearly the lowest point of the day. Lower is the actual working here. This from a man who worked boxoffice at a wax museum.

Tossing fish would be just as meaningful and in the evening I'd be just as tired. Would I smell better? I don't know... I smell like work in evening regardless...

On top of everything else, this is not a healthy way to think...

I need to remind myself 'dressing like a clown and selling hotdogs for a living' can mean so many things. In this case, I've merely gone out of my way to get into yours with a pleasant upper that, like tobacco, stains your teeth and keeps you returning for more, pumping money into an industry that's already swollen with profit.

This offends me. Like every other slack-working american, I deserve to stay home when vomitting and not have to worry about those damn ends meeting, yet here I sit, scratching my asses, afraid of the moral ramifications of 'vacation' time being used as 'sick' when I gets me teeth fixed. It'd be like ... well, like using sick time for a vacation.

The Irony.

What, then, would bring more meaning to my life? 'Well,' I thinks, 'if dressing like a clown and selling hotdogs for a living has brought me this far...'

...

I left for work having drawn pictures in a book to which I have no claim. Portions of my fingers were white. This reminds me of something or of someone important...
- posted by Altered @ 1:53 PM

 
THANKS!
I've been waiting to get up to see the fam for a while now; I rarely see them and, though they may not know, I really look forward to being with them --music & politics with Dad, BSing & random jabs at relaatives with brothers, loving concerned mother who just wants the best (& to make sure I'm painting...) the cats, the house, the neighborhood.... Quiet, maybe clouds? A chill in the air? Ye Older Brother wants the scanner I've been using to gather dust, Dad wants to borrow a few videos, I'd like to correct his taste in music (or compare) by forcing him to listen to Buffalo Springfield, to which he introduced me and aided my growing thirst and addiction...

Still.

And here I sit last minute, having told Dad when he called that we won't make it. I've spent too much time with the Stesha's family: this is guilt I feel! I looked for a rental car to no avail... work work work before & after the holiday with that one thursday off without pay to make up for the rest of my overworked month-and-a-half. I want to see my family.

Which brings me my first personally prepared Thankgsiving meal (we canceled with Stesha's family a LONG time ago and there is no turning back. Well, we're not turning back...) Last night at about seven I went to get myself some dinner at Safeway and stood in line (with a bag of salad and a carton of milk) for forty-five minutes. No no no... This not worth dinner...

We'd yet to shop for 'giving eats; we'd yet to give up hope of making it to the hills for a real family holliday.

Went back last night shortly after ten for 'Giving provisions, including: Wee turkey for two, yams, potatoes, stuffing makin's cylindrical cranberry sauce, pumnkin pie, etc.... Tomorrow I slave. I've a bad habit of burning things... (Mom, backme up, there are a couple staories involving rice....) and have never attempted most of these 'dishes'....

Now we are stocked up and waiting on the day. Cameras ready: the digital, the snap, and the video each with their own purpose (in order? For sharing, for the photo album, and for mocking ourselves later in life. Now, Mom, I know you're reading and I want you to know how much we wanted to come up, how much I miss you, and how much I value the time I get to spend with you all. It really sucks to miss out the one holiday I understand-- I am thankful for a family who loves and encourages me and that I am able to see you all, even as seldom as it's become. I love you all very much.

Happy Thanksgiving(esque!)
- posted by Altered @ 9:32 AM